See The Eternal Identity Of Your Spouse
When my husband first confessed to meâjust one month after our first child was bornâI felt incredibly hurt and betrayed. The consequences of one curious look had changed our lives.
While I appreciated Steveâs honesty about his behavior, I couldnât help but feel disgusted by him. As the addiction reached its worst, Steveâs personality changed. He became like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, though it seemed that most of the time he was Mr. Hyde. The smartest, kindest, funniest, most faithful, and most considerate man I had ever knownâmy heroâbecame cynical, sarcastic, rude, manipulative, and suicidal. He was at his worst on Sundays, being mad at God and mocking things that were important to me.
Steve was unable to financially support our family. He was unable to feel or express love and eventually became unable to nurture relationships. This man with many friends suddenly had none. He continually found fault with me.
Even through all of this, I was blessed to be able to see who Steve really was. Somehow I was able to see him as someone with so much value, so much strength, so much goodâsomeone with an important mission on earth. Someone who was struggling, yes, but someone who was also priceless. I felt the love of Heavenly Father for Steve and for me.
Helping Your Addicted Spouse At 12 Keys Rehab
You and your spouse can begin the journey to recovery together at 12 Keys Rehab. Located in Florida, 12 Keys Rehab offers a strong plan of recovery that includes body, mind, spirit and family to help addicts become free of drugs and alcohol.
At 12 Keys, your spouse will find plenty of support. Many of the staff have recovered from addiction themselves, so they know what your spouse is going through. The ratio of clients to staff is kept low so clients can always find someone to talk to or help them over a rough patch.
Your spouse will be treated like an individual at 12 Keys. We dont believe in a cookie-cutter approach to recovery. We know certain things are a must, such as complete abstinence from substance abuse, but we offer many therapies to help people chart their own personal course of recovery.
12 Keys offers group and individual counseling, 12-step meetings, holistic therapies and more to help people recover. Theres plenty of down time for rest and reflection, and if your spouse loves being near nature, our waterfront location is ideal.
We have a board-certified addiction psychiatrist on staff, Dr. Balta, to treat the medical issues related to addiction. Our staff includes therapists and others who can help your addicted spouse understand the disease of addiction and cope with cravings that can lead to relapse.
To Experience Real Love
The therapists who sent me clients to get a divorce are so afraid of the word spiritual that they missed the point that marriage IS spiritual because love is spiritual, we are spiritual, and when we learn how our marriages will produce ever-expanding love for the rest of our lives marriage is amazing.
What will help you and your husband and your marriage are positive, realistic changes in how you view your husband, yourself, and your marriage . Then you can take the lead in changing your marriage into what you want, and always wanted.
If you follow what I tell you eventually he will eliminate porn from his life completely, but not because of laying morality on him, threats to him, cajoling, or you acting like some kind of a porn star . I dont want you to do anything other than what you promised you would do and what you looked forward to doing when you got to be married, which is to be a loving wife who wants her king to be happy. The problems are not your fault. We, collectively, had no idea. Now, you can know. Begin with something you know but forget to know. This is a universal truth
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Move Forward With Faith
My husband and I are not at the end of this long road. The way has been unimaginably painful and sometimes even hellish, but the scriptures have comforted me.
At times I have felt like the woman with an issue of blood who desired to gain healing from the Savior. It strengthens me to remember her conviction that by merely touching the Saviorâs robe, she would be healed. It comforts me to know that although I feel weak, my earnest efforts to reach out to the Savior and receive His influence and power in my life will be rewarded.
In my darkest days, when I didnât know if my husband could find his way to the Atonement, I took comfort from the story of the man with the palsy whose friends carried him to the Savior and lowered their sick friend into the home from the roof so Jesus could heal him . I also remembered Alma the Younger, who in his youth apparently had no intention of repenting yet whose family continued to pray for him . These two men found their way to repentance, healing, and happiness because of the faith of their family members and friends.
I know that hope and healing can be found in the Savior. He can make our burdens light, still the winds and the waves in our lives, and bring peace and joy to our hearts.
If We Have Sex Every Day He Wont Look At Porn
Addiction is never satisfied. No one would think, If I give a heroin addict heroin every day, hell stop. For an addict, masturbation, pornography, and sex are drugs. Healthy sex can be established when the addict is emotionally healthy, using sex as a way to connect, rather than using sex to numb negative emotions. Sex is a healthy part of a loving relationship. If the husband is just using his wife to get a hit, it hurts the relationship.
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Line Up Treatment Resources
One of your ultimate goals is to get your addicted husband/wife into treatment, but it is unlikely that they will do that on their own. Even if your spouse agrees to get help, drug addicts and alcoholics are notoriously fickle, so once they agree, it is best to begin treatment IMMEDIATELY.
You can speed the process up if you do your research beforehand. Now that you are beginning to educate yourself about the disease of addiction, you can start looking for programs that fit your familys specific situation.
You can take care of the logistical questions early:
- Do they specialize in the specific addiction?
- Do they offer drug/alcohol detoxification?
- Do they handle co-occurring disorders that your spouse may be struggling with, such as anxiety or PTSD?
- If its important to you, do they offer gender-specific programs?
- Are there programs available for the family?
- Do they accept your insurance plan?
If possible, take the time to tour the facility or meet the programs staff. If you are comfortable, you may even be able to pre-register to save even more time.
If I Lose Weight Get Plastic Surgery And Dress Perfectly He Wont Look At Porn
Many wives try to compete with porn instead of rejecting it. In the process, they objectify themselves. Women will not find true love by trading their talents, unique perspectives, and God given physical traits for features that resemble societies shallow version of perfect. In my experience, when wives react by competing with porn, rather than rejecting it, the problem gets worse. You cant compete with porn. If you do, youre competing against fantasy. And youll always lose.
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Avoid Looking For Comfort In The Wrong Places
You may be tempted to find comfort in another mans arms, or get involved with other guys in chat rooms while your husband is floundering. Dont go there. It will only add more pain and stress on a marriage thats already pushed to the breaking point. Dont start looking at porn movies to find out where you were lacking this will corrupt you and your family further. Keep your side of the street clean.
Some women might have a tendency to turn to food for comfort during this time. Overeating wont solve the problem, and like lust, it can put an emotional wall of shame between you and God. Seek comfort through the support of other women, and in the presence of Jesus, Who is waiting to comfort you. If you dont already, get a journal and write your feelings out. God can bless, comfort and speak to you through the outpouring of your heart in writing to Him.
Support The Process Of Change
If you have a friend or loved one with an addiction, let them know you are willing to support them, for example, by coming with them to family or couples counseling. You can even help them take the first stepwhether it’s bringing them to a doctor’s appointment or a support group meeting.
They’ll likely feel encouraged by the fact that you are making changes in your own life to help them with their addiction.
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Get Other Women In Your Corner
Dont try to make it through this on your own. Youve been deeply hurt and need other women to express your pain to; women who can provide support and comfort, and pray with you. Women who keep everything bottled up inside are a volcano waiting to blow, and putting off asking for the support of others adds more pressure to coming explosion. As most men who struggle with sex addiction think Im the only one who struggles with this and cant tell others, so their wives think I cant tell anyone about this; no other women talk about it so I must be alone. Think about this fact: in every survey taken, at least 50% of the men in the church have a problem with porn or sex addiction. This means that 50% of the wives in the church will at some point have to deal with the pain of their spouses adultery. Youre not alone, and there are many other women going through the same situation.
You want to avoid placing the full force of all your pain and anger only on your husband. This isnt to say that you shouldnt express your feeling to him; you should, but you also need others who arent emotionally involved to talk to. Having other women to talk to will take some of the pressure off of your marriage, which may already be at the boiling point.
We offer individual counseling;and 3 different support group options, including;talking to the group leader for a first call at no charge.;Please see the Wifes Support Group page for more information.
Make A Recovery Plan Together
As you heal, you will start determining ways to help your husband. While opting for sex addiction counseling is the best solution, it is also important that you create a recovery plan together.
Creating goals with your partner and ways to distract him, picking a hobby together, opting for a couple fitness class, going on a trip or whatever could help you both work as a team and drastically help in the recovery.
When you create a recovery plan together, it also begins the process of regaining back the lost trust. You and your husband will be working as a team again.
You both need time to heal, so it is also important to set aside some me-time to recover and deal with your emotions. This step is an effective way to deal with the emotional turmoil you both are going through.
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How To Help A Spouse Struggling With Addiction
About 24 million married Americans are either addicted to drugs or alcohol themselves or are married to someone who is. Unfortunately, this means that there are millions of marriages that are experiencing the negative effects of substance use disorders. According to the National Institutes of Health , drug and alcohol addiction within a marriage is considered one of the most common final straw issues that lead to divorce.;
No one ever goes into a marriage thinking that one day they will be dealing with an addiction that jeopardizes everyone and everything around it. In fact, many people find themselves getting married to their significant other despite the inconspicuous signs and symptoms that they are having more of a problem with drugs and alcohol than what meets the eye. It is human nature to lead with the heart, especially when it comes to finding and solidifying that bond with your significant other. But, it is important to be able to identify when your spouse is experiencing the disease of drug addiction so that you can attempt to help not enable them in getting sober.;
Involve Your Family In The Recovery Process
Effective treatment options for drug and alcohol addiction involve the whole family. As a spouse, you are a partner in your loved ones experience and can play a key role in setting up and creating boundaries that support both of you. A treatment approach that focuses specifically on you and your spouse is behavioral couples therapy .
Behavioral couples therapy works to reduce substance use by teaching couples to interact more effectively. This type of therapy has shown to help reduce substance use while also increasing relationship satisfaction and family functioning.
Substance abuse impacts more than just you and your husband and wife; it affects the entire family system. Thats why family therapy is an important part of addiction recovery. Family therapy helps you recognize strengths and resources that can help your spouse maintain recovery. Youll also identify how addiction has impacted the family system, and ways to move forward.
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Addiction In The Family
The pain of addiction is something that everyone within a family is familiar with. Quite often, people only think about how the addict is impacted. The truth is, the family suffers as well. There are all types of addictions, and each one stands to tear families apart. The cost of addiction has the power to ruin an otherwise beautiful home and marriage. To make matters worse, the effects of it are long lasting for everyone involved.
It is so hard to live under the same roof as someone who is abusing substances. It seems as though problems are caused left and right. The addict is torn, wanting the stable life and the family at the same time. When things go wrong, they blame others for their own actions.
There is no denying the type of pain youre in if this is the life youve been forced to lead. If you have an addicted spouse, you need answers for your dilemma. Whats more, you need real-life advice that you can put to use right now.
Make God The True Source Of Your Life
In her letter, my wife wrote I made you my everything, which is another way of saying she made me an idol. Men are not knights in shining armor, nor are we romantic dream machines; were broken clay pots, just like women. As men tend to make work or ministry their god, or source of life, women can use the relationships in their life as the primary source of their self esteem. When a woman makes her husband or family her god , she places unreasonable burdens and expectations on the backs of her loved ones. Then, when something goes wrong, such as when her husband reveals his struggle with sex addiction, her world collapses when the defective foundation her sense of self worth was built on falls apart.
And, if God is your source of life and love, you can do whats next, which is to:
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What Can I Do To Support My Husbands Healing
You cant make the choice for him to get better.;Regardless of whether hes made that choice, your main job is to get healthy yourself and pray for your husband.;Learning the truth will enable you to set boundaries to protect yourself.
Right now praying for your husband may be the farthest thing from your mind.;Divorce or causing him bodily harm may be the thoughts that are in the forefront of your mind.;I can understand that.;I knew that there was a good chance my marriage was going to end based on the choices I made.;If I ever choose to go back to my sexual addiction, my marriage will most likely end.;The bottom line is, your pain is real.;I know that it isnt easy for you to pray for your husband, because its hard to pray for the people who hurt us.;I can say, though, because of Megs determination to pray for my healing and for me, I was able to continue on the path of recovery.;There were times when shed pray for me before we went to bed.;There were many more times when I felt her prayers as I went through my day.
The power of a praying wife should not be underestimated.;Your prayers are important.;They will lift up your husband as he pushes through the lies of the enemy, and they will give him strength to work on his recovery.;Your prayers will also be a powerful tool to help your husband if hes in denial or unwilling to start the process of recovery.
Rebuild Trust With Caution
This experience has taught you a lot, but you have to learn how to trust again. That doesnt mean that you dont use caution. You do need to use caution because you may be the only person able to detect a relapse. Still, give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Being married to an active substance abuser can be chaotic and stressful, but with timely intervention and effective treatment there is hope and recovery for you all.
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