Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Is My Husband Addicted To Porn

Dont Do What Doesnt Work

Woman Addicted To Drinking HUMAN BLOOD | My Strange Addiction

We have a lot of experience in this area, as an organization and me personally, from working with countless individuals and couples. What I share with you is not just my opinion, these are the experiences of thousands of people we have worked with.

Commonly used remedies do not work at all.

I have seen them all from calling him out on it criticizing, condemning, or judging him dragging him to marriage counseling forcing him to get individual, professional help dressing sexier or being more sexual to compete using your children crying, yelling, belittling, shaming and more.

Dont do any of those things if you want success. We already know exactly what will happen:

  • Competing with webcam girls and porn stars is missing the point of what he needs. he needs your love, If you are withholding sex it isnt good but that isnt the real problem, either. You need to learn to be the heart.
  • Criticism, threats, and condemnation will push him into hiding, lying, or more discretion.
  • Forced help from a therapist will end your marriage. I was a divorce mediator before I changed in 2001 to helping marriages and I assure you therapists are not marriage healers.
  • Rewarding him with increased sex just fills in for porn/masturbation, but having missed the point, the outcome is still empty.

No solution will work unless it addresses the one and only thing that WILL fulfill him, which is your husbands need for unconditional love from his wife!

Do you want to heal your marriage?

My Husband Was So Addicted To Porn He Couldn’t Have Sex In Real Life

When one partner starts looking at porn, it triples the risk of divorce, according to a new study. One woman knows why all too well.

Six years ago, when I first met Tim*, everything seemed to be perfect. We clicked immediately and were married within a year of meeting. It seemed fast, but we loved all the same things, could talk about anything, and worked in similar jobs. I really thought I’d found my soul mate.

But six years later, last November, we split and Tim moved out. I filed for divorce in January, and it was official by June.

Everyone wanted to know why: Why weren’t we trying counseling first? Why didn’t we tell anyone we were having problems? Why couldn’t we work it out for our son? And, of course, why did we get divorced?

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I can tell you in one word: porn. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth. The porn wasn’t just a part of some bigger problem, it was the problem.

At first, I wondered if Tim was suffering from depression, had a low libido, or might even be gay . But then I saw his open laptop one evening and read all the tabs he had open, and realized that he had an enormous sexual appetite just not for me.

Instead of coming to bed with me, he was choosing to stay downstairs every evening with his laptop, watching porn. We were down to having sex maybe once every three months. And it definitely wasn’t good sex.

“No laptop?” I asked.

“No laptop,” he promised.

*Names and identifying details have been changed

Choose Community And Connection

At numerous times throughout this healing process, you will need to seek Gods strength and wisdom to stay responsible to yourself and your children. You will also need strength, wisdom, and guidance from your church family, pastor, or a Christian counselor. Even though your husbands addiction is not your fault, you still bear some of the consequences of his sin.

Read Also: Why Do Drug Addicts Have Sores On Their Faces

My Experience With Pornography

When I was in elementary school, my male next door neighbor would get into his parents porn films and they never figured it out. He would always say the most disgusting and horrifying things to me and eventually I stopped talking with him.

His male cousin, who lived across the street, and who was 15 years old, would also get into his dads pornography. One time when I was in fifth grade, I was over there playing with dolls with his little sister who was my age. His parents left and he showed up in my friends room. He was naked, holding a Hustler in one hand and a knife in the other hand. I got up and ran out the door and didnt stop running until I was locked inside my house. I told my mom and she confronted his father, who was a police officer. His dad laughed and said, Boys will be boys.

On the occasions in college when someone would pop a porno film into the VCR, I would leave. Anytime a third party exposed me to it in college, I felt physically ill. I will disclose that I did not come from a home where I experienced any kind of abuse, whether it was emotional, physical, or sexual. So, I am not triggered by hard-core pornography because of abuse at home. There could be an argument for despising it because of the two neighbor boys. But, I dont believe even that accounts for it fully.

Your Husband Is Looking To Try New Things In Bed

My husbands is addicted to porn? What did I do wrong?

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you? The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Watch this free video that explains how you can become his priority!

While being addicted to porn causes some men to be unable to have sex with their women. For some men, porn addiction is just a form of their own sexual addiction issue. Which means, as well as watching a lot of adult videos, they will also look to have a lot of sex with you too.

So, how can you tell the difference between a normal sexual appetite and one that might be a side of porn addiction? Well, for one, youll know how often you both usually have sex. So, if this has increased a lot, it might be a sigh of being sex addicts. You can also spot an addiction to porn through any changes your husband tries to make to your usual routine. This could be that hes looking to try a variety of new and unusual positions, or could be that hes wanting to try new kinks or fetishes. This might include bondage, wanting to try threesomes or something more unusual.

Of course, spicing up your marriage is something that most women will welcome. However, there will be a clear difference in your husband offering to try one or two new things occasionally and a husband that is demanding a lot of new things that you might be uncomfortable with.

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Normal Men Prefer Unconditional Love

Men would much rather experience the unconditional love he anticipated when he sought your hand in marriage. The primary ingredient of a healthy marriage, unconditional love, is lacking. That is the real problem.

Think about it in this context. Would a loving spouse think about how hurt she feels by her partners behavior. No. She puts the needs of her husband ahead of her own. She will think of how she can be there for him. She will recognize that poor choices like infidelity, porn use, or constant arguing, are symptoms and wakeup calls of a deeper problem, which they have both contributed to.

The highest rewards are achieved through unconditional love, nothing else. If you put your perceived offense ahead of his need for love you will not win he will not win your marriage will not win.

A happily married man finds porn distasteful and, frankly, childish when he is fulfilled by his wife, and Im not talking about sexual fulfillment. He will not be stimulated by watching other humans romping. To those who have lifted their sights and experience love, watching porn is like watching animals mating.

Porn use or masturbation never ever creates an unrecoverable marriage, but they are a huge red flag indicating that there are core problems in your marriage that need to be addressed. If they are not, destructive symptoms will continue to manifest in the way you both behave. Then the end will come,

The Individual And The Family

The porn and sex addict is at risk for debilitating and life-ruining consequences. It can negatively affect his relationship with you, your children, and friends. Pornography usage can lead to:

  • Infidelity.
  • Belief that promiscuity is the norm.
  • Emotional distance from wife and children.
  • Lack of sexual attraction to wife.
  • Loss of interest in family.
  • Craving for graphic porn.
  • Cynicism about love and affection.

Research suggests that porn addiction has a similar neuronal pathway to drug addiction. Porn users are likely to develop dependence and tolerance, requiring the consumption of increasingly graphic and atypical sexual material in order to get the same high as previously. This leads to desensitization to antisocial sexual behaviors such as rape, physical assault, and promiscuity and normalization of violence and objectification of women.

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The Damage Porn Can Do To A Family

Porn addiction is a hazard to marriage, family, and society as a whole. It can have profound and devastating effects on the lives of those surrounded by the person suffering from addiction.

The individual is not the only one affected by his addiction to pornography you and your children can be deeply damaged as well, and oftentimes, long-term treatment is necessary for recovery.

Dont Allow Your Husband To Devalue You

Interview with Vicki Tiede – Healing Your Wounded Heart

Women do this when they allow their husbands to continue in sex addiction unchallenged. Before you were married if your groom-to-be had said Im going to masturbate to porn once a week or have sex with prostitutes while were married you wouldnt have walked down the aisle with him youd have forced him to choose between you and sexual sin. Why? Because he would be treating you like trash if he said such a thing! Youre a precious daughter of God, not a trophy for his bookshelf, so dont allow your husband to treat you like one. This means he needs to choose between you and porn, or affairs, or whatever his chosen way of acting out sexually might be.

You have to draw a line in the sand with him: its me or porn or we need to talk about separation. He has to make a commitment to do whatever it takes, now, to break free from lust. His commitment must be shown by persistent, determined action in this arena, words alone mean nothing. This means all porn must be removed from the house and he will no longer corrupt you or your family. If needed, a porn blocker is installed , the computer is removed, and/or all TV service is turned off. It means he goes to a group and/or meets with an accountability partner at least once every week.

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Pornography Use Leads To Social Distancing

When a man has a serious porn addiction, it can be draining on other areas of their life and marriage. Thats because, with so much time and energy being dedicated to pornography, they will become physically and mentally exhausted away from their habit.

This can become noticeable to those closest to them, as youll notice the man in question will become less interested in his real-life relationships such as those with you, his friends and the kids. For instance, perhaps he used to play football with his mates every week but has now given up. Or the kids might be pestering him to play with them, yet he claims hes too tired or he cant be bothered.

Those that have sex addicts support groups have described this social distancing as a form of feeling numb. Where these men will only truly get any happiness from looking at pornography. Everything else is just a chore that drains the happiness out of you.

If your man is acting in a way that you might describe as numb, its important that you look at all the possible causes before deciding that its pornography addiction. It could also easily be stress or depression, so you can always suggest a trip to his doctor to see if this makes any difference.

If hes acting distant and showing other signs of too much pornography use, though, then it is likely hes suffering from an addiction and you may need to seek marriage therapy or other counseling for him to work through his problems.

Is Your Husband Really A Porn Addict

Lets get this out of the way. The term porn addiction is misleading, condescending to your beloved husband, and separates you from both him and the real problem. The real problem is that your marriage is not creating love and happiness to where you are both floating in marital bliss.

A legitimate clinical addiction refers to physiological dependence, as is the case with opiate-based drugs, nicotine, or alcohol. Those are difficult to treat and when it is treated it requires the patient to be fully committed to changing. The psychological tendencies in those cases which lead to physiological dependence are deep-seated.

So realistically, pornography does not have the same kind of power over its users as opiates or alcohol which have the added physiological component. Your husband isnt addicted.

He is choosing and before you judge him for that choice read further. Keep in mind we want your marriage to be what it is meant to be, filled with ever-increasing happiness and ever-increasing love.

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Healing For Wives Whove Been Hurt By A Husbands Adultery And Porn Addiction

A few years back, I asked my wife to write me a letter describing how my struggle with sex and porn addiction affected her. The following is her letter:

The process of healing from adultery is hard and sometimes painful, and it takes time to heal from the wounds of betrayal. However, the Living God does heal and completely restore women and their marriages from the wreckage of infidelity , so there is abundant hope.

Ill use some of the points my wife brought up in her letter as a guide for some of the issues we need to examine.

Here Are 7 Helpful Things Every Spouse Should Know About Sex Addiction

Is my husband addicted to porn?

1. Your Suspicions Are Most Likely Real

It is normal to minimize the disconnection you are feeling in your marriage. Obviously, there are relational attachment styles that promote unfounded and unrealistic jealousy patterns, but when there are apparent signs of deviant sexual behavior, it usually indicates a problem.

Unfortunately, few sex addicts admit to a problem when confronted with the circumstantial evidence. It usually takes getting caught before the addict will admit to the problem and become willing to get help.

2. Its Not Your Fault

Everyone has the freedom to make their own choices about their sexual behavior. Most of the time, choices towards deviant sexual behavior started well before you were married.

Your husbands sexual addiction is not about you.

This is not about your weight, age, shape, or sexual competency. This is about your husbands inability to cultivate connection and intimacy. Certainly, there are most likely marriage issues that need to be addressed, but your husband has made choices to find comfort, nurture, and pleasure outside of your marriage.

While your husbands sexual choices are not your fault, they do impact you.

Loss of self-esteem, stress, anxiety, depression, inability to trust, reduced ability to enjoy sex and romance, and fear of the future are just some of the negative fallout when you discover your husband has engaged in deviant sexual behavior.

The worse thing you can do is to take the blame for someone elses choices.

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First Steps In Recovery For Cooperative Husbands

Obviously having a discussion about pornography addiction is important. If your husband has already admitted that he has this issue and shown a genuine desire to be rid of it, thats half the battle won already. But we are still potentially dealing with a brain-altering addiction and a long-standing habit here so helping your husband through recovery is going to be essential. If he has this stance that he wants to overcome his addition then you can focus on fighting the problem, not each other and developing a collaborative plan for dealing with the addiction.

But I think its important that you understand as the wife that its not your role to manage his recovery. You may want to or even feel you need to because you feel that is how youll be safe. But you dont want to end up in a codependency situation where youre in charge of managing his morality and recovery. Ultimately, recovery from this addiction is his responsibility and he has to take ownership.

There are a number of suggestions here, from my own experience as a counselor and from a study by Weeks. So the first part of this is to help your husband understand the problems that pornography creates. He needs to see your pain, to know your deep feelings of hurt and betrayal and to know that you are completely unwilling to integrate pornography into your marriage.

Your Husband Has Become Secretive Evasive Or Defensive

When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does your he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addicts secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.

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