Is It Love Or Addiction Book

Love Addiction And Well

There are three main theories of well-beingor classes of theoriesdiscussed throughout the literature . How one relates love addiction to well-being, and therefore to treatment, will depend upon the theory of well-being one finds most convincing.

The first class of theories concerning well-being are hedonistic theories, which are defined in terms of mental states. The simplest account of this type of view is that happiness, or pleasure is the only intrinsic good, whereas unhappiness or pain is the only intrinsic bad. More complex hedonistic views include a greater plurality of states of mind as possibly contributing to well being: for example, Freud is reputed to have refused analgesia when dying of canceralthough he was in great physical painon the grounds that he preferred to be able to think clearly in a state of torment than foggedly in a state of drug-induced comfort .

Yet however one construes this hedonistic mental-state view, it is clearly possible that a person could prefer to exist in a rapturous state of love, even though it might yield a number of adverse consequences in other areas of her life, due to its irrefutably high, intrinsic hedonic value. Indeed, in Western societies, being in love is widely considered to be an extremely valuable state, and possibly constitutive of a good life all on its own. This notion is captured in the ideal of dying for love with the implication that such a love might even be the very meaning of life.

Common Terms And Phrases

You Dont Need To Be In A Romantic Relationship To Start Working On The Symptoms Of Codependency Or Love Addiction

While love addiction and codependency have the most drastic effects in romantic relationships, you can begin working on the skills youll need for healthy relationships even if you arent partnered up. Begin by fostering healthy friendships with individuals you meet in your 12 step programs or elsewhere. Learning to view others with realistic expectations and take care of yourself can significantly impact your awareness of these areas when entering a romantic relationship. Learn from these relationships by examining your expectations about how others will relate to you. Use that awareness as an opportunity shift to a more realistic or helpful expectation.

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What People Are Saying

Profound Reading

This book was recommended to me by a friend after years of many failed relationships extreme hurt they caused and very hard times to get over. With many years of therapy no one seemed to get this this …Read full review

Dr. Schaeffer! My Next Relationship Will Be Better

Informational & Amazing! Thank you Dr. Schaeffer. I will make an effort to put practical information into my life with one goal! To have better relationships!Read full review

Healthy People Seem Less Attractive Without The Work Of Recovery

If you struggle with love addiction, you may be baffled as to why you continue engaging in relationship after relationship that are toxic and destructive. You wonder why you cant find a partner who doesnt pull you into this addictive cycle. In relationships, you tend to be attracted to what is familiar. Even if it is unhealthy, you know what to expect.

These relationships can serve as an attempt to resolve childhood wounds in the present day. When you have lived through a traumatic experience in childhood, you may repeat that experience in an attempt to resolve the pain that you once felt, or to try to rewrite the story to create a new outcome.

Entering into recovery breaks these patterns through building healthy relationships that involve self-care, individuation, and effective and healthy boundaries. This work needs to be done so that the intensity of the addictive relationships becomes less appealing.

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Arghh Show Me A Way Out Of Here

What would a society of close, sexual relationships between non-dependent humans look like? Probably, we don’t know. We are still, as a society, climbing out of the Judeo-Christian deathpit of compulsory sex-morality and legally-contracted mutual-ownership. Many of us will do anything to stave off the feelings of inadequacy or loneliness bred into us by our ‘upbringing’ at the hands of ‘parents’ who did not know how to love themselves either. Many of us were deeply conditioned since infancy to be suspicious of anything that does not model our family system. But Peele offers a tantalizing alternative: Freedom.

This freedom appears to emerge not as a result of adopting specific new rules on who and how to love this would be an impossibly complex and mechanical undertaking instead, by growing our awareness of how our relationships are dependent, we naturally emerge from that prison of choosing partners based on fear, and start choosing partners based on joy. We enter relationships from a healthy position: We are already complete. We no longer rely on another person to give us a sense of security or completeness. And they do not rely on us for that either.

In other words: Our relationships begin to exist in addition to ourselves, not as necessary to ourselves.

This, argues Peele, is true freedom. And true love.

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The Myths And Mystery Of Love And Sex Addiction

Shondaland chats with psychologist Kerry Cohen, author of Crazy for You: Breaking the Spell of Sex and Love Addiction.

Sex and love addiction is, understandably, a very complex world. Not only do we each have our own experiences, understandings, and interpretations of sex and love, but many people also have preconceived notions regarding this particular realm of addiction, often connecting it to certain attitudes reverberating throughout popular culture that sex addiction is not a real thing but instead an excuse for celebrities and/or public figures infidelity. In reality, sex and love addiction exists on a spectrum, and its history in the world of psychiatry has not unfolded without controversy.

The American Psychiatric Association is responsible for publishing and updating the widely used and respected Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders . The 1987 DSM-III-R was the first of its kind to address anything related to sexual addiction, referring to distress about a pattern of repeated sexual conquests or other forms of nonparaphilic sexual addiction, involving a succession of people who exist only as things to be used. This reference, however, was later removed, and the DSM-5, the latest version of the resource, no longer lists sexual addiction as a mental disorder.

KATIE TAMOLA: For readers who might need a distinction, can you clarify the difference between love addiction and sex addiction?

Differences Between Love And Love Addiction

Both love and love addiction can be exciting and life-changing, Many of us confuse longing and obsession with true love, nor is addiction love, Paperback Illustrated, 2009, C.A.S, C.A.S, Format: Kindle Edition, This book was featured in my local Newspaper, these two experiences can comeIs it Love or Is it addiction, I have been in a tumultuous relationship and bought it at half.com, 2004 Mar 33:10-1, Is It Love or Is It Addiction? has helped countless people find their way from the trials and confusion of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships.Brand: Hazelden PublishingBuy Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The Book That Changed the Way We Think about Romance and Intimacy by Brenda Schaeffer, 4.6 out of 5 stars 164 ratings, See all formats and editions Hide other formats and editions.Cited by: 11Many of us confuse longing and obsession with true love, it is a disorder of intimacy that typically affects people who have experienced childhood trauma.

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Love Addiction And Codependency Books

Codependent No Moreby Melody Beattie

Recovery from love addiction has begun for millions of individuals with this straightforward guide. Through personal examples and exercises, readers are shown how controlling others forces them to lose sight of their own needs and happiness.

The Language of Letting Goby Melody Beattie

Melody Beattie integrates her own life experiences and fundamental recovery reflections in this unique daily meditation book written especially for those of us who struggle with the issue of codependency.

Problems are made to be solved, Melody reminds us, and the best thing we can do is take responsibility for our own pain and self-care. In this daily inspirational book, Melody provides us with a thought to guide us through the day and she encourages us to remember that each day is an opportunity for growth and renewal.

Facing Codependenceby Pia Mellody

This is the book that propelled Pia Mellody into international prominence as an expert on the family dynamics of addiction. Articulate and reflective, she argues that love addicts and family members share the same history and characteristics.

Facing Love Addictionby Pia Mellody

Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugsby Ethlie Ann Vare

Ready To Healby Kelly McDaniel

Is It Love or Is It Addiction?by Brenda Schaeffer

Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Powerby Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

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Love Avoidants Can Have Toxic Relationships Too

Love avoidants are highly self-protective in relationships, often due to a family history of enmeshment. The love avoidant may have had to care for an emotional parent or was taken advantage of by a family member. In their adult lives, they often seek to maintain control over relationships and can do so by threatening to leave the love addict.

Love avoidants also struggle to meet their own needs. They were typically expected to deny their own needs in service of one or both parents, and therefore missed the opportunity to learn how to recognize and care for their own emotions and needs.

The Narrow View: Addiction As The Result Of Abnormal Brain Processes

Although scholarly attitudes have been shifting in recent years, the dominant model of addictive drug useamong neuroscientists and psychiatrists, at leastis that drugs are addictive because they gradually elicit abnormal, unnatural patterns of function in the human brain . On this narrow view of addiction, addictive behaviors are produced by brain processes that simply do not exist in the brains of non-addicted persons.

One especially popular version of this view holds that drugs co-opt neurotransmitters in the brain to create signals of reward that dwarf the strength of natural rewards such as food or sex. They thereby produce patterns of learning and cellular adaptation in the brain that could never be produced without drugs . According to this strict account, then, addictive drug-seeking is an aberrant form of behavior that is peculiar to drug addicts, both in form and in underlying function. It follows that natural rewards like food and love can never be truly addictive, and that food-seeking or love-seeking behaviors are not truly the result of addiction, no matter how addiction-like they may outwardly appear.

As we explore in the following section, however, other researchers, notably , have begun to highlight the similarities between addiction and even normal romantic relationships by emphasizing the common behavioral, neurophysiological, and neurochemical signatures of both.

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Recommended Sex And Love Addiction Books

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addictionby Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.This is the landmark book introducing and legitimizing sexual behaviors and sexual fantasies as an addictive disease. Dr. Carnes proposes three levels of sexual addiction, describes the addiction cycle and its progression, and presents the faulty core beliefs of the addict and the coaddict and their healthy counterparts.

Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recoveryby Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.The innovative workbook that helps readers begin meaningful recovery from an often misunderstood addiction. This book guides readers through the first seven tasks in Dr. Patrick Carnes researched-based thirty-task model of treatmentthe most respected therapy model available for treating sex addicts.

In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behaviorby Patrick Carnes, David Delmonico, and Elizabeth Griffin.Applies Carnes theories to the growing phenomenon of cybersex addiction.

Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addictby Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.In this sequel to Out of the Shadows, Dr. Carnes adds to his original descriptions of sex addiction describing the stages of the illnesses. He presents here his Sexual Addiction Screening test, useful to therapists and addicts alike.

Treating Addicted Survivors of Traumaby Katie Evans, J. Michael Sullivan

Sex Addiction: Case Studies & Managementby Ralph H. Earle, Kevin Osborn, Marcus R. Earle

How Would It Work The Prospect Of Anti

Treatment of love addiction, like any other form of addiction, could take many forms. The most plausible starting place would be traditional therapies such as professional counselling, cognitive-behavioral techniques, psychoanalysis, or some combination of these and other widely-used treatment modalities that work primarily on the psycho-behavioral level . At the same time, considering the recent surge of research focusing on possible neurobiological sources of love addiction, it may soon be possible to devise adjunctive drug-based therapies that could facilitate treatment of problematic forms of love by working on underlying neurochemical substrates. In a recent paper , we identified four conditions for the ethical use of such anti-love biotechnology:

• the love in question is clearly harmful and needs to dissolve one way or another

• the person would want to use the technology, so there would be no problematic violations of consent

• the technology would help the person follow her higher-level goals and commitments instead of her lower-level feelings

• it might not be psychologically possible to overcome the perilous feelings without the help of anti-love biotechnologyor at least non-biotechnological methods had been already tried or thoroughly considered

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What Is Love Addiction Really

Love addiction is painful, because at the core it is filling a void caused by a lack of nurturing and attention at a young age.

Its an unhealthy attachment to people, romance or sex to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, fill our loneliness and maintain balance.

The Patterns Of Love Addiction Or Love Avoidance Begin In The Past

Present-day relationships are not the cause of love addiction or love avoidance. Problems in relationships are usually a symptom of a pattern begun in earlier life. Examining past codependent relationships or experiences of abandonment can shed light how you developed one of these types of relating.

Once you become aware of the ways these experiences have shaped you, it is important to learn to reparent yourself. This is a tool I often encourage with clients who have experienced trauma in their family-of-origin. Reparenting yourself involves caring for yourself in the ways you may have missed in childhood. This can involve creating appropriate boundaries for yourself to increase safety, or to increase our self-care behaviors as you become aware of the unhelpful expectation that your partner will meet all of your needs.

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Is It Love Or Is It Addiction Third Edition

The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy

Softcover, 296 pp.

Is It Love or Is It Addiction Third Edition

Many of us confuse longing and obsession with true love. Through two previous editions, Is It Love or Is It Addiction? has helped countless people find their way from the trials and confusion of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships. As the author reveals, we can begin to work through relationship difficulties with compassion and lasting effect by increasing our awareness of the ways that we express love.

In this expanded third edition, Brenda Schaeffer draws on years of feedback and new developments to foster an understanding of love addiction: what it is and what it is not, how to identify it, and, even more important, how to break free of it. Stories of real people struggling to develop sound relationships illustrate the characteristics of healthy love and help readers to free themselves to find real intimacy. Included is the most up-to-date information about the biological basis of addictive behaviors and the impact of technology on intimate relationships. The author also explores the influence of past abuse and trauma on the predisposition to love addiction.

Brenda Schaeffer, D.Min., M.A.L.P., C.A.S., is a licensed psychologist and a certified addiction specialist, and she holds a doctorate in spiritual psychology. Schaeffer lectures and trains internationally.

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